Monday, January 24, 2011

Whether on the Frontside or Flipside, We Always Choose

Feeling pretty good on the way to belly dance class tonight I made the mistake of intonizando esta cancion del amor de mi vida (y el boricua negro MAS BELLO de to'l mundo-might I add).  And while I usually hit the zone while singing this song to the TOP of my lungs, the resonance it had with my heart was at an octave that I usually don't take the time to listen to very much.  It's the same chord that is struck when you look in the mirror towel drying your hair and you see your abuela in your cachetes.  Yes, it's the same one that rings clear when you see la mirada dura de tu pae in your own ojitos as you frustratingly examine the chichas  that always appear in the wrong places at the wrong time of the month and take their time marchandose no matter how many dance classes a day you take.  It's the same note that you hear when your niece who was born with the famous family caracter gives you a look of defiance they said YOU used to give people........... and you let her give it to you because the last thing you will ever let yourself do is clip her pretty little wings................. This is the note, the octave, the chord of truth and realization that TRULY what we have is what we have asked for-or in my case, ORDERED of the universe.

In my case, my truth is that I've always put my freedom at a higher premium than any relationship.  Up until recently my vision of freedom sat in stark oposicion a what I thought a loving relationship could only look like for me (basically someone trying to tell me what to do and constantly trying to clip my pretty wings).  Never could conceive of a nuturing love affair w a man who could have the capacity to respect my need to be libreeeeeeeeeeeeee.  Hasta hace poco.  Y ya ese conflicto de intereses lo tengo resuelto.  Acepto que donde estoy es donde le dije al universo que me hubicara.  Y ya es tiempo de mirar hacia otro horizonte.

Enter the real epiphany of the night:

Now this one, I gotta say, me tumbo....................... But, again as I was belting out in my most angelic of voices this, one of my fav's from Alicia Keys, it HIT me!  I THINK I WANT/AM BUILT FOR/NEED A KINDA DIFFICULT MAN.  When the thought hit me I immediately went through my rolodex of relationship history and quickly realized that the dudes who were on the not-so-peligroso side were the ones I was BORED TO TEARS WITH and the ones I tolerated until they ended up asking me if I liked them anymore.  Psshhh, but the ones who had a 'tude, a chip, an unresolved issue-which they were clearly aware of and struggling in their own ways to overcome-were the ones I was most attracted to.  Not talking addictions, here, but just plain humanness.  These men had a realness that entailed a vulnerability that I clearly find irresistible.  I think I love a man who needs a little work.  I gotta say that I had a conversation with a man today who was giving me advice in another arena and I started to chide him on the appearance of his tough exterior.  Of course I made him try to convince me of how nice he really is (just to f_ck with him, porque soy mujer y PUEDO), pero la sangana fui yo que horas mas tarde soy YO la que esta pensando en EL.  And the reason for that, this song provided.

I believe that whether on the frontside (before we were born) or on the flipside (during this, our earthly experience) we've told the universe numerous times what to deliver to our front doorsteps in a myriad of ways.  Sometimes it takes some of us longer to understand just what we've ordered than others.  But I think I understand my order and why I've been served up what I have been.............. And now I how to recognize what the goddess in me is saying she came here to handle.

It'll be interesting to see how right this spiritual self-assesment turns out to be, but I think what the Divine in me has always wanted and needed is a man w a little bit of an edge who needs una mujer de hierro to lock all his secrets up in her heart of gold.